On Monday, a warm 80-something degree day, I was driving through the parking lot on campus and observed the annual parade of young women in their warm-weather finery. I marveled at the skin-tight skirts that barely covered vaginas, the tank tops that suggested the wearer spent her spare time on a street corner, and shorts that are sure to cause a yeast infection or two. Now, last year I dated a guy who, when he met me for dinner after class and saw me in knee length shorts, a fitted tank top that most definitely covered my boobs, and a pair of flip flops commented, “You wear THAT to school? Isn’t it a little revealing?” In hindsight, I should have ditched him right then and there, but that’s a story for another blog. What I ended up explaining to him was that my fashion choice was pretty conservative compared to what a lot of the girls wear. What I didn’t say was that I WISH I could get away with sporting the hoochie gear! Not that I want to give the impression that I’m a woman of the night, mind you, but there’s something to be said for having the confidence to rock that look in broad daylight in front of professors who you might need as a reference one day.
Believe it or not, there was a time in the not-too-distant past when I was in such great shape that I had no problem shimmying into a miniskirt, fitted tank top (no boob spillage), and strappy high-heeled sandals and strutted my stuff like a Robert Palmer mannequin (dark lipstick included). Of course it wasn’t in broad daylight, but that’s part of the fun of getting all tarted up for a night on the town – you can transform yourself into anyone you want and the lack of adequate lighting just adds to the mystery. Do the same thing at high noon and not many people will take you seriously.
But, I digress. My yearning to dress in a way that would make my father turn over in his grave has only to do with the fact that I miss feeling confident about my figure. I was looking at photos of myself from a couple years ago when I was (gasp!) 180 pounds and remember feeling so huge. And I kind of was compared to my 160/165 pound fighting weight. But at 180 pounds I never thought I’d ever get to 225. Right now 180 looks like heaven to me. One hundred sixty feels like a pipe dream. I can’t even think about 160 – it’s too far away and will not let me enjoy the success I’m currently having. Losing weight slowly is best for my health, and my doctor has reassured me (while rolling his eyes) that I’m still elastic and won’t have a problem getting rid of my double chin, so I need to be happy with that and just have faith that if I keep sticking with the program I will again feel simply irresistible.
4/18/12 – 210.6 pounds
Pounds lost in last week – 2.8